I Want to Talk about Gender

I've been wanting to explore gender here for a while, but I have so many thoughts, it's hard to organize them into a single blog post. And that's fine, but I'm just letting those thoughts rattle around in my head and never getting any of them out.

So I think today, I just need to ramble. To get some thoughts out, then expand and find order to them in future posts.

I just finished watching a video on YouTube, "How to Know If You're Transgender | MILESCHRONICLES". It was a good, wholesome video about how this guy figured out he was, in fact, a guy. I ended up commenting to thank him for sharing his story, and shared a little bit of my current experience exploring gender in my 30's.

It was just a short, sweet thing, but out of nowhere, I just wanted to cry.

If you've explored my homepage, you probably know I'm genderfluid. It's something I started to think about two or so years ago, but really acknowledged and accepted in the past year. I grew up in the conservative American Bible Belt, so I really never had the opportunity to truly explore every possibility of my identity until I moved across the country.

Even then, I had dug myself so deep into my coping philosophy, it took ages to start exploring. As a kid, there were many times I wished I were the opposite gender, but thought that was never a possibility. So I doggedly promised, if I'm stuck like this, I'll prove that my assigned gender can be and do anything. I was determined to expand the box I felt stuck in. But in pursuit of that mission, I blinded myself to any possibility of escaping that box.

Now, it feels like the more I explore and the more comfortable I get with myself, the less I identify with my AGAB. It's like the only tie I have to it now is the challenge of moving through the world being percieved as that gender. Though I do also miss the freedom of fashion too.

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm being vague here. You'll proabably figure out what I'm talking about by the end of this, if I don't just give up on the obfuscation. You know what? Screw it. I'm gonna talk about the mustache.

I've always enjoyed mustaches. I think they're so fun. And I would joke with my friends that I would grow one if I could. But really, it's not a joke anymore.

Recently, I went to a costume shop and picked one up. It actually matches my hair really well. And gradually, I've been wearing it around the house, then with my friends, and most recently, out and about! It honestly sparks so much joy, I can't even convey it.

The wierd thing is, despite this euphoria, I still don't very often identify as a man. More and more, I feel just fluid within the non-binary, agender space. But what I can't tell, is if this is still my subconcious programming editing my feelings, or if that's actually where I am.

In the video I mentioned before, Miles talked about how he identified as nonbinary before transitioning fully to man. He said it was a freedom from labels that he needed to really figure out who he was. And I don't know, I wonder if that's where I'm at?

As much as this journey is invigorating and freeing, it's also painful and scary. The uncertainty can be demoralizing. And though my friends and local family are super supportive, I don't think my family in the South would be.

I guess when I was fluid within my natural body, it was easy to hide. But if I find happiness outside that norm, I can't hide it anymore. Not that I would want to. I just want to be certain about it first, you know?

Well, that was a lot of dumping (lol). You know, I moved to the indie web from social media (A) because the companies in control of social platforms are awful, and (B) to free myself from the influence of algorithms, likes, and comments. But sometimes I really wish I could hear the thoughts of people who are like me, who have similar experiences and maybe have made it to the other side.

I guess my consolation is that maybe my posts can help anyone who's in a similar boat, even if only by letting them (or perhaps you!) know that they're not alone.

But anyway, as always, thanks for reading! I hope we all ultimately find how we're happiest. ★