Things are Looking Up

This is going to be a bit of a rambly update, but here goes...

It's been a rough couple weeks. Since my last post, it was feeling like I was on my way downhill again health wise, and it was very scary.

My worst point was being sent to the ER after trying to see my doctor about what was going on. By the time I got to the waiting room, I was so winded and dizzy, I felt like I was going to pass out. And as they got me in a wheelchair, my arms started tingling and shaking.

I had originally been sceptical of going, as every time I've gone before in the past year, they run a bunch of tests and tell me nothing's wrong with me. But at this point, I was so glad to be there. What if something was going on with my heart?

Friend, I've never been so happy to be told "nothing's wrong with you." I mean, yes, it's frustrating to know something's wrong that's causing all the symptoms, but not being able to pinpoint it. But this time it really felt like life or death, and I was so relieved to know it wasn't.

But anyway, that was just a couple days ago, and I expected to be pretty low energy for a while. But weirdly, I'm feeling really good. I mean, not awesome, but it just feels like I'm on my way back up again. I'm feeling optimistic.

I think this turn is thanks to a couple things. First, I started using a meal delivery service. I really haven't had the energy to cook, so I either end up with easy things like pasta, or spend a bunch of money on takeout. But now, I've got healthy vegan meals for the whole week, and I really feel like it's giving me a boost.

But also, I've been seeing a Human Design Hypnotherapist. I know that probably sounds a little "woo-woo" (lol). But hear me out.

If you don't know what Human Design is, it's something similar to astrology, where based on your birth date, time, and location, it tells you thing about your personality and purpose. But along with astrology, it utilizes things like chakra centers, I Ching, and Kaballah as well.

I personally have always taken things like that with a grain of salt. I've alway felt like things like astrology and Human Design are too accurate to totally discount, but also that it's not really a science and I shouldn't limit myself based on it. But friend, having my chart read by a professional has me so on board!

My first session, it felt like this therapist knew me without knowing all the details. And I know there's ways people can coax out information to make it seem like they know you based on your reactions to vague statements. This was not that.

But she gave me the confidence to listen to my body again and trust my instincts. I'm still practicing that, but I feel really good when I stick with it.

And after the first session, we had a hypnotherapy session and that was even more wild.

I had gone into the whole experience planning to address life long conditioning that made me feel like my worth was tied to my productivity and accomplishments--which I suspect is greatly contributing to my fatigue when I have the urge to run myself ragged. But the day of this session, other things were on my mind.

We ended up diving into gender. I wanted to feel more comfortable in my identity, and luckily this therapist was very supportive finding out I'm genderfluid. I think I want to dive deeper into the experience that followed in another post. But the short story is that I ended up meeting my child self and their protector. I got to tell them everything that's happened and how I'm safe to be myself now. Then my child self grew up and lived a whole life without worry and with full authenticity. It felt so good!

So since then, I've felt much more confident and comfortable in my own skin. There's still walls I need to break down, I think, to keep that feeling and not force myself back into a box. But I'm better off than I was.

And then my third session happened just after my ER visit. I didn't think I was up for it, but I'm so glad I went anyway. What she told me really gave me hope that I could improve my health again.

First, she told me that I'm someone built to be full of energy, and the fact that I'm struggling in that area is just because I've been driving with the emergency break on. This felt so relevant. I've for so long felt like I've been dragging because I'm trying to do what I'm "supposed" to do and be who people want me to be. Hiding my true self and forcing myself in boxes I don't fit in. So, even if it's not true, this gives me hope that I might be actually energized and full of life again.

Second, she gave advice on figuring out when I'm tired because I need to rest, versus when I'm tired because I'm bored or frustrated. This has been a constant struggle through the past year, trying to understand what I'm actually able to do at any given time. Her suggestion was, when I feel tired, try a change of scenery or activity. If I'm still tired afterward, go rest. If my energy picks up, I just needed a change! Honestly, it's been great advice so far.

I'm really curious how the next couple weeks will go. Things are looking up, and I'm very optimistic. I may try to dive deeper into this stuff over the next few weeks and document my journey. We'll see what I have the energy and drive to do (lol). But thank you for reading my rambling!