Introducing Tomby

Hi friends! I know, it's been a while since I've updated anything here. And it feels like a lot has happened, but maybe not. I think it's just been big things. The biggest being...

My egg has cracked.

I don't even know how it happened. I just had an epiphany one night a couple weeks ago and it's changed everything. I think I was meant to be a boy.

The funny thing is, I don't know if that makes me a man. I still kind of feel like I'm on the non-binary scale--whether fluid between NB and man, or a demiboy, or just plain transmasc NB. All I know is I need a mustache (lol).

It feels like the signs were all there looking back. I wanted to be a boy so badly as a kid. But it didn't seem possible, so I committed myself to proving a woman could do anything a man could. And I shoved myself into that ill-shaped box for decades.

But I think the feeling was still in the back of my mind. I wanted to play with the boys and do boy things. Even though I liked some girl things, I was often embarrassed to show it because "I wasn't like other girls."

I always felt like gendered pronouns were wierd and arbitrary. I enjoyed shopping for men's clothes and craved to exchange my uniform skirt for the boys' shorts. And when imagining costumes and cosplays, I often wanted to imulate male characters.

As I got older I forced myself to branch out to find women's media I liked (I always read Shonen Jump and listened to mostly male musical artists growing up). I don't regret doing that, but I do regret distancing myself from the media I enjoyed as a kid. Lately I've been rediscovering some of my old interests and it feels like coming back to myself.

This "coming back to myself" seems to apply to fashion too. There were so many times in the past years that I was afraid to wear something or do something that might keep me from reading as a woman. Because I was supposed to prove a woman could be anything, right? I couldn't do that if people didn't realize I was a woman. (I know, it makes no sense at all lol).

It seems that the thing I struggle with now is the intense desire to NOT be read as a woman. It can really take the fun out of things, feeling like I can't enjoy femme things just because I'll be clocked as AFAB. And the mustache I bought that sparks so much joy can really leave me feeling down lately when it doesn't feel real.

I'm still exploring everything. Part of me still wonders if this is just a really intense fluid phase. But another part of me is near positive I've finally come back to my true self. So for now...

Meet Tomby!

Pronouns are he/they while I'm exploring. I'm just a queer little dude waiting for second puberty (lol).

When I imagine my ideal self, I imagine 80's dad vibes. A shaggy mullet, groomed and full 'stache, and high wasted jeans. Maybe masculine crop tops and short shorts showing off my hairy legs.

But there's a touch of femme there too. Painted nails, jewelry, flowers tattooed across my chest... Maybe even some glam makeup from time to time.

When I see my doodles of myself this way, it sparks so much joy! I can't imagine being fully happy as anyone else.

I guess this means I'll need to redo my homepage. Figure out how to describe this new version of myself. But despite the challenges and confusion that come with this next chapter, I'm so glad to have had this epiphany.

This blog may become my safe space for a while to explore my thoughts and experiences on all this. I'm not out to everyone yet, and still struggle presenting with this new name and pronouns when I see what I see in the mirror. Though I've found thinking of myself as redoing my childhood helps. I'm just waiting for puberty round two!

Before I sign off, though, I just want to share a quick quote that tickled me from the Pronoun Dressing Room:

It just kind of tickled me with all the fluid experiences and pronoun changes I've had over the past year. Funny to think just over a year ago was when I finally accepted I might not be a woman all the time. Now I'm finding myself on the complete opposite end of the binary scale!

Well, that's all for now. I stayed up entirely too late getting this out of my system (lol). But it feels good. Thank you for reading! ♥