Dark Moods

2025.09.03

I'm in a particularly dark mood at the moment and I think I just need to write about it. I don't even know if I'll post this. Part of me screams, "NEVER!" But another part feels like it would be nice to stop hiding this part of myself.

I may have been an angsty teen, but most of my life it's felt like my responsibility to be the positive one. The optimistic one, cheering people on and boosting moods. But that means it's so rare that I express some of my more intimate feelings and fears outside of therapy. I don't want to bring the room down or put my problems on others.

But when days are like this, hiding my feelings make them worse. I spiral deeper and deeper in the dark. I start hating myself and feeling like things would be better if I was just gone.

The funny thing is the things that start these spirals feel so stupid. I know they're not, but it just happens like clockwork--I crash, I spiral. With more than a year under my belt with this fatigue thing, you'd think I'd handle it better. Hell, I've dealt with crashes my whole life, even if not at this extreme. And there's not even consequences for these crashes currently. I'm safe, I have space and time to rest and recover...

But I'm just tired. Tired physically, emotionally... And I'm so tired of being tired. Or maybe I'm just tired of the highs and lows. This past week was awesome. I finally was feeling confident in myself and my fluidity, and had some great times with great friends. But then I crashed so hard that it felt like I'd never catch up on sleep and feel good again.

Sometimes it feels like life would be easier if I could just live in the lows. Never expect more and so never be disappointed. But that's no way to live either.

I don't know. I'm just tired. Luckily therapy's today, so maybe I can talk my way out of it.

Sorry for dumping. And if I posted this, thank you for reading. It actually felt nice to get the words out.

P.S. I have an update for this. My therapist actually had some really good advice that really helped me out. You can check it out in my next post (link below).