Chronic Insecurity
2025.08.18
Content Warning:
Chronic illness, mental health, ableism
I had a dream last night. Or maybe it's better described as a nightmare...
I was at some sort of conference or convention, getting more and more fatigued. I needed a restroom, but the nearest one was closed for cleaning. As I waited, I could feel my strength draining. And when I tried to find another restroom, my legs gave out and I collapsed. I couldn't get up no matter how hard I tried. Luckily, the event had a wheelchair and staff helped me get where I needed to go. But then I was just left to my own devices. When my friends found me, stuck at this restroom, they scoffed at my situation. "We're all tired, B. Get over it," they said, "Just get up."
Recalling the whole thing now just makes me want to cry.
The scenario is pretty far from my current condition. But the wild thing is, it's all possible, and all based on real experiences. I've always struggled with different aspects of my health, and past friends just didn't get it. They thought it was all in my head or that I was being dramatic. Employers threatened to drop me for my sick days.
So I pushed myself. I pushed myself over and over, each time my body reacting more and more negatively. Last year, that pushing put me in a wheelchair. My sister had to drive me to the doctor because I couldn't cross the courtyard without nearly passing out.
Of course, I've improved massively since then. I'm incredibly lucky to be able to put my health as a number one priority for a while. It's slow growth, but I went from needing a wheelchair, to using a walker, to now just carrying a collapsable stool around to rest when I need to. I'm able to go on fun excursions from time to time (though it depends on the day on whether I'll last long, and often I'll need a few days to recover after).
But despite all this progress, my insecurities follow me around. I worry if I'll be able to keep up with my peers or if I'll be an inconvenience. I'm afraid of being flakey, not knowing if I'll be up for something I commit to when the time rolls around. I fear doing too much in a week and not having energy when it's important. But I also worry that not doing enough sets back my recovery.
It's a lot. And I feel for anyone going through something similar.
And I hate that I write about this and don't really have a fix-all solution to share. Just some bits and bobs that can help me when I'm struggling. But maybe they'll help others too, so here goes. My coping tips:
Take things day by day
It sounds so cliche, and it often feels impossible when the rest of the world doesn't seem to operate that way. But it really does help to live in the moment. To do what feels good or right right now, and sit with current feelings, good or bad. Work when you can, socialize when you can, do what sparks joy when you can, and rest when you need to. Of course choices in the present might backfire in the future. But worrying about that possibility takes more energy than just trusting that I can deal with any bumps in the road as they come up.
Don't be afraid to ask for help or say what you need
If you need something, you have a right to ask for it. Accomodations aren't always possible, but it never hurts to ask. I think for me, I'm afraid of being an inconvenience, or afraid of rejection. But the people who matter, who care, will do what they can to help. And will be happy to do it.
Trust that people say what they mean
Building on the last point, I'm so bad about feeling like an incovenience even when friends insist everything is fine. But if people tell you they're happy to help, or that something you need is totally fine, believe them. If it turns out later they didn't really feel that way, well, that's on them. Not you. And if your friends or family aren't supportive, know there are people out there that are. It's just a matter of finding them.
You don't need to prove your worth
You are enough just as you are. And again, the right people will see that. I think it's important to recognize you are separate from your circumstances. It's so easy for me to feel so bad about myself, but those feelings are really about my current experiences. I'm not broken. I'm not useless. I'm just experiencing fatigue, and it's okay to be frustrated with that. I'm doing my best in my situation. And you are too.
Anyway, I hope those tips are helpful. Even if you're not going through something like fatigue or chronic illness, I think they're good points to remember. There's so much stress in the world right now, everyone trying to keep up with the Jones' at work and on social media. And our culture insists we should be able to do it all and have it all if we just follow the "right" path. But I feel like life should be simpler than that.
We're here to live. To connect. To grow. In a healthy way. Take things slow. Get to know yourself, your needs, your inherent worth. And trust others. That's what I'm practicing now. And it's definitely a journey. But it feels like the right path.
Thanks for reading ♥
~ B ~
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